So, it’s exam time again! It’s kind of okay though because it’s sunny so I’m just not stressed out at all. Not sure if that’s a good thing or not? My exams start on Saturday and so far this week I’ve painted a Pink Floyd picture, sunbathed, played with Sally and complained about how awful studying is. Whoops. Once again, sorry in advance dad!
When I wrote my last blog post I was stressed out to the max and not feeling too positive about life, but like I said it was just a rough patch. I am now definitely coming out the other side, which is kind of ironic given the timing. 📚 My course consists of a lot essay writing but all the essays this time around seemed to just come at once and I was totally overwhelmed and lost all motivation. I started falling into a slump and I struggled to pick myself up.
After I wrote the last post I got a lot of lovely messages from a lot of lovely people; both messages of support and messages from people telling me that they could relate to how I was feeling. I appreciated all the messages I got so much, as I always do! I’ve found writing this blog to be a super helpful coping mechanism. Even though I was feeling really rough when I wrote my last post, I felt an awful lot better after being honest about how I was feeling. The posts are sometimes almost a letter to myself to remind myself to be rational and take my own advice and that all will be okay.
When people tell me that they can relate to the stuff I talk about or even that they just enjoy reading my blogs it is such a comfort and a confidence boost. I’m not always the best at expressing what I feel I need to say using my voice, I suppose anxiety has a lot to do with that. So, by using words- by using my blog, I get to say everything I have to say without feeling nervous or scared. That’s why it means so much when people say that they enjoy reading what I write. I love that people who are struggling realise that they are not crazy and not on their own. When people tell me that they can relate, I also feel reassured that I am not crazy and that I am not on my own. So thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me in regards my blog, it really means the world!
After I wrote the last blog post, I got out of bed, had a shower and painted my nails. I didn’t feel like painting my nails but regardless I did it. After painting my nails I felt better about myself. I felt fresher. I then plucked my eyebrows and did a few sit-ups. Just those two hours that I took for myself and made good use of made me feel so much better.
I really struggled to get all my essays done and handed in but I had a few amazing friends that really stuck by me and encouraged me to get them done and in. I did it, like I said I would and I think I smiled for about 4 hours straight after I handed in my last assignment. It felt like such a weight off my shoulders and I felt such a sense of accomplishment for pushing through my mental boundaries and getting it done. I now feel like I’m done for the summer (the sunny weather isn’t helping), even though I still have 5 exams to get through. I think that exams are a bit easier to get through though. There’s like a sense of solidarity around exam time that everyone is struggling, but everyone is going through the same thing so everyone understands and comes together to support one another. Exams are more social that assignments, I have found so I have no doubt that over the next two weeks I will be just fine. It’s actually a little worrying how not stressed I am. Hey, better under stressed than over stressed… right?
Over the last couple of weeks I’ve begun to realise that I was setting too many unrealistic expectations for myself and I was getting so frustrated and upset with myself when I wasn’t achieving all my goals. I forgot to step back and still appreciate the small things that I was achieving.
I can now say that it was silly of myself to have gotten so caught up in how well I was doing. It’s easy to do though, to forget that you still need to take special care of your body and mind and not to let small things build up. I think my bad patch came as a very unwelcome reminder that I am not invincible and that I am not quite strong enough as of yet to take on the world by myself; I will be though, that is the end goal! 😂💪🏼🌍
I got asked a couple of weeks ago how I deal with the really intense, low thoughts that sometimes hit me. This was kind of tough question to answer because I don’t think I’ve really figured out how to deal with them properly yet. My body goes into fight or flight mode and I just do anything and everything to get through the day. I break up my time and set myself small goals. Things seem much easier when instead of having to get through the next two weeks, you just have to get through the next hour and then the next. Obviously I paint. On my skin, on paper, on my walls. I find painting super relaxing and I always feel so much lighter when I have painted a picture instead of using other unhealthy coping mechanisms. I exercise a lot, there’s not too many bad moods that throwing in my earphones and bringing Sals for a walk can’t cure. I also use writing as a coping mechanism, I suppose. My blog, short letters to myself or just filling pages and pages in any and every notebook I can find at the time.
To get through exams I always find that I sort of team up with people, study with them or even just constantly texting or calling or even snap chatting them. It reminds me that I’m not on my own. It also just makes it a much more tolerable experience when you have a couple of people who you’re in constant contact with, supporting and encouraging you, and you them. Everyone’s in the same boat so we might as well all get though it together.
It’s a bit emotional finishing second year. This has definitely been one of the best years of my life and I have had so much fun, learned so much about myself and met so many incredible people. Next year a lot of my best friends are leaving on Erasmus for a year full of adventures. I am sad seeing them go but happy for them at the same time. Change is a pretty scary thing that I have always tried to flight but I’m beginning to see that change is often a great thing and that it should be embraced, as much as possible.
I am heading off to New York for the summer on my own for what will be my greatest adventure yet. I’m nervous but bursting with excitement and I am also immensely proud of myself for encouraging myself to take this step. I know that last year even getting the train to Maynooth on my own was daunting, never mind moving to another continent for the summer! Life is good, constantly scary but nothing I can’t face. I intend to pass these exams, have the summer of my life and then return in September to finish my degree and move onto the next chapter what ever that may be.
I’m going to keep learning about and managing my depression and anxiety and above all, I am going to stay happy, positive and smiling.
That’s the plan anyway.
To anyone sitting exams, best of luck and don’t stress too much. If worst comes to the worst there’s always repeats. The end is near, this will all be behind us soon and remember, you are not on your own. We are all going through the same thing and we are all feeling overwhelmed and stressed, so chin up! You totally got this! We got this! ❤️
Best of luck and remember,