It’s been a while since my last post. I just had a bit of a mind block and couldn’t figure out if I had anything worth reading to write about. That’s when I realised that my feeling like I had nothing to write in fact gave me a lot to write about. Does that make sense? No? Let me explain.
So since getting home from camp life has been crazy. An awful lot of both amazing things and bad things have happened all at once. I’ve coped, generally quite well with it all, I think, especially with the weather changing. ❄️ But lately, I’ve come to question whether I’ve actually been dealing with it all or just pushing it all to the back of my mind for another day? My mind it seems, is a really complex thing to understand and while I’m slowly learning to get to grips with how it works, I still have a long way to go.
It’s all a little bit scary because if I am ignoring all my emotions then I know it’ll come back to bite me. But what if I’ve dealt with them how I need to and I’m just being paranoid and pessimistic and not having faith in all the progress I’ve made.
I keep getting these crazy and totally irrational ideas to say things to people and do things and go places- all bonkers ideas that I definitely should avoid without thinking them through. I get so close to doing them all (running away to camp for the rest of my life etc,) and then Ellen, the functional and rational part of my brain 😉 talks me out of my stupid missions to change the world. Thank God!
But all these irrational thoughts have got me questioning loads of stuff. Myself, my motives, how I’m feeling, my plans. But it’s not in a bad way either. Maybe it’s time to question things- situations, relationships, everything. Maybe I’m having a pre-adulthood life crisis? Is that a thing? Maybe it’s just third year driving me crazy even though it’s barely started? That’s a worrying thought LOL.
It’s all kind of exciting though. I’m beginning to realise that I like things that challenge me. It sounds so cliché but I’m forever surprising myself.
America being the biggest surprise of all. Like I’ve said before, I never really thought that I’d make it to America and even when I was there I was constantly doubting myself that I would make it to the end, although deep down I don’t think I was ever going to quit. I suppose it’s all just a confidence thing. Every five minutes on the plane home I burst into tears. I literally just could not believe that I, tiny, super awkward, Kimbo had done this huge thing all on my own despite being uncontrollably riddled with crippling Anxiety less than a year previous.
I’m not even to sure how I did it. I think having this blog has given me the space to write about my mental health enabling me to understand better what’s going on in my head and why I’m feeling how I am. It’s also given me a lot of confidence, finding that I’m good at something that I enjoy and feel passionately about, whilst knowing that other people enjoy and can sometimes relate to what I write about.
College has also definitely made all the difference too. Finding a bunch of people who love me for exactly me has been fun. I suppose it has taught me to stand on my own feet and to prioritise my own interests, morals, insecurities, fears and goals first. When I feel great I’m much better company!
Learning about my brain has helped a lot too. Now that I have a better understanding of what’s going on in my body and why it’s reacting in specific ways helps to give me control over my often irrational anxiousness and many emotions. It’s given me the option to discover coping mechanisms that I can relate too; meaning they help.
But I also go through patches when I feel deflated and begin to question my perceived control over my mind. Like, for instance now. I feel like maybe I feel too ‘calm’ at the moment, considering the past two months and all their events.
But I feel fine and content, which is kind of scary. It’s just scary not being entirely confident in how my brain is going to react next. Does that make more sense?
If not don’t worry, I’m not even really, entirely sure what I’m getting at here either.
But directing back onto the topic of liking a challenge and constantly surprising myself, I think that’s what I’m going to focus on doing. I made a little set of goals for my final college year and so far I’ve slowly been achieving them. It’s early days yet, though. My No.1 goal of course being gaining ever more knowledge and understanding of my own mental health. Even when they’re only small, achieving little goals keeps life exciting and slowly aids to building my confidence as I see small but rapidly growing results.
I’ve discovered that the more sure of myself I feel, the more I can conquer and the less my anxiety drags me down.
Being 100% yourself to the best of your ability, I think is key. 🌸
I’m going to start including The Samaritans number at the end of all my posts. For anyone who doesn’t know, they’re a wonderful organisation who provides, along with other amazing services a free help-line for everyone about anything. If you ever find yourself in a situation when you need to talk to someone kind who will listen, give them a call. It’s a number that I would recommend everyone to have on their phones.
Look at it this way, ringing can’t make anything worse but it could make things a little better. X❤️
- 116 123- The Samaritans.
For now, know that it’s almost the weekend and on Saturday and Sunday the sun is supposed to come out! 💛☀️😮 I hope you all stay happy and healthy and safe and above all else,
Kimbo. X 🌼🌻⭐️💖