Sometimes, life hates me. 😂😳☕️

Hi, my name is Kim or Kimbo. Whatever you prefer. Just absolutely not Kimberly! THAT IS NOT MY NAME! Often, my life is absolutely comical. The sentence “only that would happen to you” was written for me, I swear. I can make anyone having a bad day feel better almost guaranteed, because the chances are something embarrassing or unlucky has happened to me that will make you feel better about any of your f@ck-ups. I am a disaster or, a disaSTAR as my dad calls me (it makes me feel better about myself.) And that’s me!

(That’s a bio for Kimbo Lockyer if I’ve ever seen one!)

So, this weekend I was closing the deli. I was on my own and it was almost home time. All three inside doors had been cleaned and put back onto the deli counter. Before I finished up I went to push open one of the sliding glass doors to cover up the salads inside the counter. I’m actually not even sure what happened, but as I pushed the door open it just cracked and totally smashed. I stood in shock for about a minute because I couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. Then some of the floor staff came running over after hearing the crash. They helped me tidy it all up and apart from being late home, it shouldn’t have been a big deal, right? Accidents happen!

But it was a big deal, to me. I’m not sure if it’s because I got such a fright or because I was tired or just a mix of emotions but the minute I walked out of the shop I burst into tears. I  had an almighty panic attack and cried for about two hours after getting home. I felt sick, couldn’t eat dinner and really contemplated calling in sick the next day so I didn’t have to face my boss.

Friday’s panic attack wasn’t as big as the one I had back in January when I got the wrong train and ended up in Port Laois rather than Huston (lol), but it was big and draining enough to leave me totally wiped out most of the day on Saturday.

Since the almighty panic attack in January this has only been my second proper panic attack. I was disheartened becuase I really thought I was beginning to get over panic attacks but this has been my second one in the last month. I questioned whether it was just because I’m fairly over tired since the campaign and I haven’t really stopped at all as of late. Then it dawned on me. I think I can make a connection with the vast majority of my panic attacks. The trigger seems to be the fear of getting into trouble. Which makes sense. I HATE getting into trouble, with anyone. I do not deal well with people being angry with me at all! Friends, family, anyone whose opinion matters to me.

This I think, stems from a general fear of conflict. After dealing with all the domestic violence and being surrounded by conflict for the majority of my teenage years, unless it’s me standing up for what I believe in and being really angry at someone for something, I run from conflict!

Like I’ve written before, hearing pots and pans banging around downstairs sometimes sends me into a panic. I cannot deal with seeing people shout at each other or physically fight each other; strangers or not.

I feel like this is where my fear of getting into trouble and resulting panic attacks are coming from. This realisiation is all a little exciting because I’ve never noticed this connection before. Now that I think I know what the trigger mostly is I can work on conquering it!

I am completely aware that as Welfare Officer I am going to face plenty of conflict situations and I’m not even a little bit worried. I know that I will handle them! I also know that I’ll get better and better at handling conflict situations the more I face. But I have an opportunity now to start dealing with and overcoming this fear and I’m so ready. Just haven’t quite figured out how to do that yet haha.

If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know! ❤️

I had this conversation with Ellen at some point last week all about self-discovery and how fun learning about yourself is. I think that’s why since America I’ve been so addicted to challenging myself. It’s really fulfilling to recognise your downfalls and to try to address them. It’s the coolest feeling in the world to be able to step back and actively recognise how far I’ve come from say, first year.

Little first year Kimbo, spent all year covered up in the baggiest possible clothes hiding behind her extra long hair and couldn’t say her name out loud in her tutorial class without having a panic attack. Now Kimbo, although still in extra colourful, over patterned clothes, dresses much better, has v. short hair and is Welfare Officer Elect. WHATTT!?

There are some challenges, very big and very scary challenges that I have worked to overcome. That I am still working on overcoming. Only a couple of my closest people know about these challenges. (We all have some super private skeletons in our closets.) These challenges still scare me and get the better of me on occasion but I am currently really working on recognising when I start to panic, questioning why I’m panicking and then making a decision about whether or not I’m being rational. Deep breathing techniques are my very best friend.

Although, I’m not sure I’ll ever reach the point where I feel comfortable discussing these personal challenges on such a public platform such as this blog, I had the realisation that as Welfare Officer next year, I will be able to talk about all these issues on a general level. I will be able to reassure students and provide them with lots of broad information and messages about all these big and scary things that I had to deal with and figure out mostly on my own. That makes me so unbelievably excited. 🌻

I really feel like I’m doing younger Kimbo and everything she went through proud.

So cheers to getting over my fear of needles, getting over my fear of conflict and hopefully to putting panic attacks behind me and finally, to getting some self-control and to stopping all this ridiculous procrastination of my assignments.

Lots of love and lots of baby steps,

Smile Always,

Kimbo. X 👣⭐️🌼✨🌸💛

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Onwards and Upwards! ❤️

I have an essay to do right now, but all I can think about is writing a blog post.

I think I am still in shock. It definitely hasn’t sunk in yet, but I am officially the Welfare and Equality Officer Elect for 2018/19! 💛

I am totally overwhelmed. The fact that so many people believed in me and my ideas;  I can’t even describe how amazing that feels. Thank you to everyone who voted. Thank you to everyone for the kind messages and constant supply of hugs and head massages (Jayne.) Thank you to Alisha, Cathal, Ellen and Adam for their constant support and love. Even from abroad you guys got me through it! Thank you to my campaign team (Kimpaigners 😉) ! I could not have done any of this without you guys, especially. I’m going to be forever grateful to you guys for everything you sacrificed over the last few weeks just to help me! ❤️ Thank you to all the support coming from home. My parents, my neighbours, my foster parents. Thank you to everyone who supported my ideas and encouraged me before any of this even started; giving me the most amazing advice, advice that I whole heartedly believe helped me win!

Although I can’t name everyone or I’d be here all day, lastly I’d like to thank Paul for everything he helped me with over this campaign. I can’t believe that we get to work together next year and that while we started this journey together, we get to finish it together too. I couldn’t have gotten through this campaign without you and I want to say the biggest congrats to you too. You deserve this more than anyone! I’m so proud of us and how far we’ve come!

I had this weird realisation on Wednesday night after the results were released. I was sitting in the SU and just started thinking about how in first year, every time I went into the Welfare Officer to chat to her, I would be shaking and freaking out, even just at the idea of talking to her about what was going on.

I text her after I won and it just dawned on me how now, after everything that’s happened, I have her job. I can now support students the same way that she supported me!

I would lastly like to thank you, Síona, for your support when I needed it the most and for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. You are without a doubt part of the reason I am here right now. And above all else, thank you for the duck! 💛🐥

Everything has changed so much!

At the beginning of this adventure I set out in search of a challenge and by god, that’s exactly what I got! The last two weeks have put me to the test like nothing ever has before. I haven’t been as nervous for anything in a long time as I was for Hustings. But again, with the help and support from the most amazing people who surrounded me, I did it!

I am not the same person as I was two weeks ago and not going to lie, I’m really proud of myself.  I put myself out there like I never have before and like to think that I remained completely true to me and my beliefs. That’s why this is so unbelievably humbling, because people voted me in for me. They believed in me!

My next challenge will be getting a blood test and conquering my fear of needles. Then finally get my tattoo.. (SO SORRY DAD!) 😁

For now, I guess I need to rescue my head from up in the clouds and get back to college and get this degree. Only like two and a half months left. Eeepp. Not sure at all where that time went. Safe to say though, that my time in Maynooth has been the hardest but the very best years of my life!

I am 100% ready for everything new and exciting and difficult and challenging. I’m ready to keep pushing myself and to keep discovering everything new about myself and my abilities.

I’m ready to keep taking all these little baby steps that are forever turning into the biggest and most exciting steps. I AM READY!

Thank you again to everyone for helping me change the course of my life.

I can’t put into words how much I love you all.

Smile Always, beautiful people,

Kimbo. X 💙🌸✨🌼🌻🐥💛