Be the change💐

“Know your Worth.” ❤️

So, I’ve been having a bit of an intellectual crisis lately. I’m not sure if that’s a thing- I’ll do some research later; but that’s what’s been happining. I’ve been spending too much time worrying that I’m not smart enough. And it’s been getting me down. But after further consideration, and I’ve given this a lot of thought over the last week, I’ve decided I’m overreacting and that this is just me focusing on the cover up problem, not the real issue. A lack of confidence and self-belief is what’s really going on. I’ll further discuss this in a minute.

But what’s also important here, which is positive, is that I’m beginning to focus more on internal traits and characteristics; honesty, Intelligence, patience etc. rather than on my physical appearance. I’m not going to elaborate much further here only to say, that this is a welcomed realisation.

I seem to have spent an awful lot of time this year listening to podcasts and reading. I have realised that my blogs are slowly improving and especially as of late, I feel like I’m learning new things all the time. Then on Monday I found out that I’m graduating with a 2:1 degree in Social  Science. Not so sure how or when that Happened. I’ve been telling myself unconsciously and consciously all year that I am not smart enough to graduate. Maybe, I am?!

I have a fear of public speaking. I’m slowly dealing with this fear and it’s absolutely becoming easier, but my biggest hesitation around public speaking and talking to people who I perceive as smarter/ more important than me is the fear of being put on the spot.

Sure, I’m not smart enough nor do I know enough to answer questions. I find it difficult to debate with people, even friends about different topics because I always presume that they know better what they’re talking about.

However, there’s a problem with all these notions because I have a lot of confidence in my writing. I feel that I can articulate myself much better and make a solid argument in written words. This however means that I am smart enough. I trust what I write, just not what I say. This screams that the problem is not so much my intelligence, but my confidence.

Is the fear of public speaking just a cover-up problem?

But this is good because self-confidence and belief can be learned over time. I’m already making progress.

I am currently reading ‘The Confidence Kit: Your bullsh*t- free guide to owning your fear’ by Caroline Foran. She also wrote a really good book about managing Anxiety called, ‘Owning it: Your bulls*t- free guide to living with Anxiety.’

I read ‘Owning it’ when I was in America and thought it was unreal. I’ve since loaned it to a bunch of people and I swear by it. The first half gives you a clear understanding of what anxiety and fear are. Where they come from, why they happen and how they can manifest themselves. The second half explains how to cope with and better manage anxiety.

I’m not far into “The confidence Kit’, but I’ll let you know how I get on. Certainly, I couldn’t recommend ‘Owning it’ anymore if I tried.

Grasping somewhat of an understanding around my mental health and exactly what’s going on inside my body and why has been, in my experience, very helpful. When you know about and understand something it becomes so much less intimidating.

My mind has been all over the place the last week. Not in a bad way though, I don’t think. On Monday the job starts and this past week has been my first week to properly relax and to unapologetically be a vegetable in a very long time and I have 100% taken advantage. I’ve done lots of reading and some writing, listening to podcasts, a little painting and a lot of lying in the sun. It’s been quite wonderful.

I’ve really tried to practice mindfulness readily across the week and have tried to allow myself to feel and understand all the emotions I’m feeling and thoughts I’m thinking; before storing them all nicely in their imaginary folders in the imaginary filing cabinets that inhibit my brain, nice and sorted and thought through and ready to be put away next week. Presently feeling confident that by Monday I will be starting Welfare with a totally clear head.

Change is good but oh, so scary. In ‘The Confidence Kit’ I read about the optimal level of anxiety. How we, as humans perform better under a realistic and healthy level of anxiety, known as ‘The Optimal level.’ Using this small fact as inspiration, I hope to take this position one baby step at a time pushing myself out of my comfort zone a little, often. The aim is to finish the year of Welfare a whole new, stronger, better and more confident person, which I have no doubt I will.

*Change is scary but Kimbo is feeling ready! I AM smart enough. I am publically comitting to learn to believe and to have confidence in myself!

Hope everyone’s enjoying the beautiful sunshine and is happy with their results. If you’re not, don’t panic. There are options! Take a deep breath. 💛

Make the best of all the Vitamin D and remember to Smile Always,

Kimbo. X🌼🌻💫🍃🐥🌸

 

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