The last few days life has decided it fucking hates Kim Verity Lockyer and has done it’s very best to rip me to shreds. That sound so self-centred, I know. But you know what, if you can’t be self-centred in times like this when can you be?! I reckon, after the last couple of days I’ve had, I am more than entitled to relish in a little self- pity.
I have cried more since Wednesday than I ever have in my life. Or, so it feels anyway. I’m currently feeling a little bit broken but it’s okay because I know that it’s just a bad day(s); not a bad life! Really holding onto this saying for dear life at the moment.
I’m also not sorry for feeling so down because it’s the weekend. I fully intend to continue moping around and feeling sorry for myself for the next 1.5 days, and then by Monday I will pick myself up and dust myself off and be ready to smile and fight back again.
It’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to recognise and sit with your emotions. In fact, I would argue that this is quite important. But it’s also so important not to let this go on for too long. One must dry those tears and carry on, even though this is easier said than done.
I am going to talk about suicide next, so if this is triggering for you please stop reading here and know that I am sending you love and hugs. 💫
I have spent my time, since about the age of 13 talking about the fact that suicide is never an option, because it’s not. However, I’ve come to the realisation that repeatedly putting out this message is simply just not enough. When I was in the height of my depression I didn’t listen to this message and didn’t care when others were handing me different alternatives on a plate; for me, at the time, suicide seemed like the only option. Which means that I shouldn’t be so surprised that other people struggling with severe mental health difficulties aren’t listening to these messages either.
I’m talking about this because we need to talk about it. I bet that every single person reading this can relate in some way.
I had the very worst day on Thursday. Then on Thursday night I got a call saying that someone I care about immensely, someone who has been by my side for a very long time and read all my blog posts and seen all my instagrams about how suicide is never an option, was in hospital and had tried to take their own life. My heart broke.
I’ve been going over and over in my head about how I let them down. How I could have been more supportive. How I could have done more to stop this happening. How I should have realised how low they were feeling.
In truth, I know deep down that this isn’t my fault, the same way it’s no one else’s fault, but I know everyone affected by this situation is thinking the same thing.
I was in the hospital visiting said person and a grown man walked out of a close by hospital room and broke down into tears. I couldn’t help but thank my lucky stars that I was sitting in the hospital room laughing and joking with those around me and not outside on the floor in hysterics as I could have so easily been. I can’t put into words how grateful I am that the suicide attempt was unsuccessful.
That however, doesn’t take away the fact that this person decided that their pain was so much that they could not carry on anymore. That all the messages of hope and support that this person has been surrounded by for years were not enough.
The thought of living life without this person has left me feeling physically sick. I know that this situation isn’t about me and the pain that I’m in. But that’s the reality of suicide isn’t it, it destroys so many lives all at once.
My friend has since seen how much their actions have affected all of their loved ones. Even though it could have been so much worse we are all still broken.
When I say it’s not an option, I really hope you are now listening. I hope you are all listening. Because when I say it’s not an option, you have no idea how much I mean it. You would have taken my spirit with you. I would not have been able to function, I can barely function right now as it is. Your family would have broken. Your friends would have broken. Your community would have broken.
Suicide is not an option because there is help available. Suicide is not an option because life can and will get better. Suicide is not an option because it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide is not an option because there is someone who loves and cares about you more than you will ever realise and if you take your life you will destroy theirs in the process. I am begging you to listen. SUICIDE IS NEVER AN OPTION. No matter how bad things get. There is help, there are options but suicide is not one of them!
I’m being so honest about how upset I am because I never want you to consider suicide ever again. If not for you, at least for me.
Today, I am grateful for my friends who might as well be family. I am grateful for my mom and dad and pupper, Sally. I am grateful for life and hope. I am grateful that I get to explain to you how sad I am, and that you now understand how much suicide is not the way to go.
Lastly, I am grateful that I get to end this blog post knowing that although I am sad now that life can only get better from here. I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to tell you this as well.
Be safe and be kind to each other. Life is hard but it’s so much easier when we’re fighting together and helping each other through.
Thank you to everyone for all their support with everything over the last few days. Beyond grateful to be surrounded by all of the most incredible people. I love you all.
I hope you all have a good weekend and if you, like me need to take some time for self- pity, I hope that by Monday you will join me and pick yourself back up. We can find our smiles again together. 💛
Don’t suffer in scilence. Happiness feels a lot better when you’ve had to fight for it! It is worth fighting for, I promise you that. Giving up is not an option.
Today I am ending my blog post by wishing you all safety and happiness and strength and hope.
All my love,
Samaritans- 116 123 (24 Hour free, confidential and non- judgemental listening service.) ❤️