Absolute madness! Christmas is over already. How did that happen? I kinda feel like it should still be September; maybe October at a push!
I usually hate Christmas. I dread it for weeks before hand. I love the build-up, the music, the decorations, the lights, the jumpers. It’s just Christmas day.
I know a lot of people are with me on this, Christmas can be the most lonely time. There’s so many reasons why people struggle around Christmas time. I always feel like there’s such an expectation to have a big, perfect, happy family, lots of gifts under the tree and to be surrounded with nothing but love and laughter. Food is another part that comes into the equation for me. I always feel like I’m supposed to eat so much food and drink so much alcohol. For quite some time my family hasn’t met many of these expectations and every year I feel like the freak who hates Christmas come December.
This year, however was different! I spent Christmas day with my mom and then Christmas evening with dad. Adam also called over for cans on Christmas night. It was so unconventional and chilled out. I felt really ill for the day (I’ll get to this in a minute), so I didn’t have to eat much, the decorations were limited and the spirits around me all seemed to be low enough to begin with meaning I wasn’t the only Grinch this year.
Because neither myself or my mom were feeling too Christmassy, we just sat and cuddled and chatted for hours. It was beyond perfect and exactly what I needed. Then I went home to dad and we watched multiple Harry Potters and just relaxed. It was all so stress- free one way or another and it felt like there no expectations.
On Christmas Day I usually do the rounds and go visit a couple of families; my foster fam, the neighbours and I usually meet Ellen for a walk. I realised this year that I only do that because it gets me out of the house and I previously longed to be a part of a ‘happy’, ‘conventional’ family, even for an hour or so. (Not something I long for much anymore.)
This year I was happy to just float about and be with my own people. ❤️ I didn’t even make it into next door. It’s the first year for as long as I can remember that I didn’t feel like a lost cause, like a bit of a charity case.
I absolutely loved this Christmas! I know however how lucky I am to have had a good day this year and I know a couple of people who faced an unimaginably difficult day- so, the biggest well done to all of you who just made it through minute by minute. I know what that feels like. Don’t worry, it’s over now and behind us all for a full 12 months! ❤
Onto the feeling sick bit now. I’ve been a bit ill for a while now. For the past month or two I’ve been getting sick every morning before work and sometimes during the day. I have 100% lost my appetite and even when I know I need to eat I feel so ill that I end up just skipping the meal.
It’s not intentional; in fact it’s been quite frustrating. My energy has been on the floor and the last couple of weeks in work before Christmas were so intense that I really could have done without missing so many meals.
Because of my relationship with Christmas and the weather in winter and how it affects my mental health I usually lose a bit of weight around this time of year. I just presumed it was my anxiety acting the bollox. These are the usual ways my anxiety manifests itself.
After a couple of weeks of this I noticed I had lost a lot of weight and started worrying a little. Ellen has watched this all go on and has waited in the car for me in the mornings more than once because I was still inside after getting sick.
Ellen suggested that there might be something more wrong than anxiety because I couldn’t figure out what I was so anxious about.
Turns out ya gal has a stomach ulcer as a result of stress. LOL
I was fecking over the moon to get this news. Not because I want a stomach ulcer or anything that relates to that, but because the problem is physical and not mental. I was getting so panicked about how I was going to overcome this food thing. I might have to get a little operation in the New Year if I haven’t improved (I’m still experiencing a lot of discomfort) and I need to put on a bit of weight but I feel like all that sounds a whole bunch easier than having to properly sort out my head, ya know?
As for 2018? What a year! It’s been absolute madness from start to finish. I started the year off in Edinburgh visiting camp pals and I’m about to end the year in Iceland with camp pals. ❤️ These people changed my life two summers ago and I’ll love them forever for this.
This time last year I had a whopper panic attack before going to Edi and had decided I wasn’t going. (Only for a lot of persuasion and support from my pals that I got on the plane.) This year, I barely thought about Iceland at all until yesterday. This morning I woke up sick as hell but I’m not sure if that was anxiety or ulcer? Maybe a bit of both? But, there was no drama and no fuss. I got ready, had the usual pep-talk from my faves and hopped on the plane. ✈️
I am buzzing to see the gang and not a nerve to be felt although my tummy is killing me atm and I need a widdle. (I’m stuck on the plane currently sitting in the middle seat and I don’t want to be that person that makes everyone else stand up.) 👀
Welfare has been unreal! I wrote myself a little letter at the start of the year to take out and look at if I started to lose faith in myself or really started struggling. In the letter there’s a whole paragraph about how under absolutely no circumstances could I quit, that I needed to make it to the end of the year in one piece if it killed me. ( I don’t think I really believed that I’d actually have it in me to complete a Welfare year until recently.)
I am now half way through my year and haven’t even taken out the letter to read yet. 💪🏼
I have accomplished a lot this year, I think. The most meaningful accomplishments being the small, seemingly insignificant ones that only my closest homies know about and understand. Things like getting on the plane today with not too much of a bother.
I woke up to messages from Ellen and Alisha this morn telling me how proud they are of me and how there was no need to worry. I hadn’t even told them that I was worrying yet.
Ellen said: ‘Think of how proud you from last year would be of you right now!!’ – and she’s dead right! 2017 Kimbo wouldn’t have even dreamed about what 2018 Kimbo can now do. ❤️
That’s how I know I’m going a good job at this whole life craic.
However, in saying that I couldn’t do any of it if it wasn’t for all the love and encouragement from the very best people in my life. The ones that have spent the last year picking me up and dusting me off. Encouraging me and reading all of my blogs. Putting up with my jokes, making me giggle and giving me all the cuddles and love.
I love and appreciate you all more than you could ever imagine!
I don’t really feel like I am ever just Kim the individual. I kinda feel like I am Kim and Sally and mom and dad and maybe like a tribe of 10 heroes holding Kim’s hand every step of the way… Does that make sense? I wouldn’t be Kimbo without them all.
Little shout-out to my parents too. Maybe I don’t give them enough credit sometimes but they’re both absolute soldiers who have taught me that I can get through anything and inspire me daily. They are beautiful, kind, smart people and I’m a pretty lucky kiddo to have them carrying me through. ❤️
Anyway, I want to wish you all the happiest of New Years. 2019 is gonna be a blast, I can feel it! I hope next year’s adventures are just as plentiful and that all the memories are just as sparkly. I hope you all continue to discover who you are, what you really value and what you are made of. I hope you all smile more in 2019. I hope you laugh far more than you cry and I hope that you all spend your year trying to be kind to everyone you meet.
Don’t look down on people, don’t judge them and don’t put them down. Worry about yourself and your own issues instead. Be selfish but lean on those around you. Be strong and be brave.
Lastly, don’t beat yourself up inside if you slip-up along the way. We all make mistakes. It’s how we move on from them and learn that counts. Just don’t make the same mistake twice.
I’ll try do the same.
All the love and best wishes. Don’t forget to smile always.
Kimbo. X 💛🌼💐🐥🍄❤️