Absolute madness.🎄❤️🎅

Absolute madness! Christmas is over already. How did that happen? I kinda feel like it should still be September; maybe October at a push!

I usually hate Christmas. I dread it for weeks before hand. I love the build-up, the music, the decorations, the lights, the jumpers. It’s just Christmas day.

I know a lot of people are with me on this, Christmas can be the most lonely time. There’s so many reasons why people struggle around Christmas time. I always feel like there’s such an expectation to have a big, perfect, happy family, lots of gifts under the tree and to be surrounded with nothing but love and  laughter. Food is another part that comes into the equation for me. I always feel like I’m supposed to eat so much food and drink so much alcohol. For quite some time my family hasn’t met many of these expectations and every year I feel like the freak who hates Christmas come December.

This year, however was different! I spent Christmas day with my mom and then Christmas evening with dad. Adam also called over for cans on Christmas night. It was so unconventional and chilled out. I felt really ill for the day (I’ll get to this in a minute), so I didn’t have to eat much, the decorations were limited and the spirits around me all seemed to be low enough to begin with meaning I wasn’t the only Grinch this year.

Because neither myself or my mom were feeling too Christmassy, we just sat and cuddled and chatted for hours. It was beyond perfect and exactly what I needed. Then I went home to dad and we watched multiple Harry Potters and just relaxed. It was all so stress- free one way or another and it felt like there no expectations.

On Christmas Day I usually do the rounds and go visit a couple of families; my foster fam, the neighbours and I usually meet Ellen for a walk. I realised this year that I only do that because it gets me out of the house and I previously longed to be a part of a ‘happy’, ‘conventional’ family, even for an hour or so. (Not something I long for much anymore.)

This year I was happy to just float about and be with my own people. ❤️ I didn’t even make it into next door. It’s the first year for as long as I can remember that I didn’t feel like a lost cause, like a bit of a charity case.

I absolutely loved this Christmas! I know however how lucky I am to have had a good day this year and I know a couple of people who faced an unimaginably difficult day- so, the biggest well done to all of you who just made it through minute by minute. I know what that feels like. Don’t worry, it’s over now and behind us all for a full 12 months! ❤

Onto the feeling sick bit now. I’ve been a bit ill for a while now. For the past month or two I’ve been getting sick every morning before work and sometimes during the day. I have 100% lost my appetite and even when I know I need to eat I feel so ill that I end up just skipping the meal.

It’s not intentional; in fact it’s been quite frustrating. My energy has been on the floor and the last couple of weeks in work before Christmas were so intense that I really could have done without missing so many meals.

Because of my relationship with Christmas and the weather in winter and how it affects my mental health I usually lose a bit of weight around this time of year. I just presumed it was my anxiety acting the bollox. These are the usual ways my anxiety manifests itself.

After a couple of weeks of this I noticed I had lost a lot of weight and started worrying a little. Ellen has watched this all go on and has waited in the car for me in the mornings more than once because I was still inside after getting sick.

Ellen suggested that there might be something more wrong than anxiety because I couldn’t figure out what I was so anxious about.

Turns out ya gal has a stomach ulcer as a result of stress. LOL

I was fecking over the moon to get this news. Not because I want a stomach ulcer or anything that relates to that, but because the problem is physical and not mental. I was getting so panicked about how I was going to overcome this food thing. I might have to get a little operation in the New Year if I haven’t improved (I’m still experiencing a lot of discomfort)  and I need to put on a bit of weight but I feel like all that sounds a whole bunch easier than having to properly sort out my head, ya know?

As for 2018? What a year! It’s been absolute madness from start to finish. I started the year off in Edinburgh visiting camp pals and I’m about to end the year in Iceland with camp pals. ❤️ These people changed my life two summers ago and I’ll love them forever for this.

This time last year I had a whopper panic attack before going to Edi and had decided I wasn’t going. (Only for a lot of persuasion and support from my pals that I got on the plane.) This year, I barely thought about Iceland at all until yesterday. This morning I woke up sick as hell but I’m not sure if that was anxiety or ulcer? Maybe a bit of both? But, there was no drama and no fuss. I got ready, had the usual pep-talk from my faves and hopped on the plane. ✈️

I am buzzing to see the gang and not a nerve to be felt although my tummy is killing me atm and I need a widdle. (I’m stuck on the plane currently sitting in the middle seat and I don’t want to be that person that makes everyone else stand up.) 👀

Welfare has been unreal! I wrote myself a little letter at the start of the year to take out and look at if I started to lose faith in myself or really started struggling. In the letter there’s a whole paragraph about how under absolutely no circumstances could I quit, that I needed to make it to the end of the year in one piece if it killed me. ( I don’t think I really believed that  I’d actually have it in me to complete a Welfare year until recently.)

I am now half way through my year and haven’t even taken out the letter to read yet. 💪🏼

I have accomplished a lot this year, I think. The most meaningful accomplishments being the small, seemingly insignificant ones that only my closest homies know about and understand. Things like getting on the plane today with not too much of a bother.

I woke up to messages from Ellen and Alisha this morn telling me how proud they are of me and how there was no need to worry. I hadn’t even told them that I was worrying yet.

Ellen said: ‘Think of how proud you from last year would be of you right now!!’ – and she’s dead right! 2017 Kimbo wouldn’t have even dreamed about what 2018 Kimbo can now do. ❤️

That’s how I know I’m going a good job at this whole life craic.

However, in saying that I couldn’t do any of it if it wasn’t for all the love and encouragement from the very best people in my life. The ones that have spent the last year picking me up and dusting me off. Encouraging me and reading all of my blogs. Putting up with my jokes, making me giggle and giving me all the cuddles and love.

I love and appreciate you all more than you could ever imagine!

I don’t really feel like I am ever just Kim the individual. I kinda feel like I am Kim and Sally and mom and dad and maybe like a tribe of 10 heroes holding Kim’s hand every step of the way… Does that make sense? I wouldn’t be Kimbo without them all.

Little shout-out to my parents too. Maybe I don’t give them enough credit sometimes but they’re both absolute soldiers who have taught me that I can get through anything and inspire me daily. They are beautiful, kind, smart  people and I’m a pretty lucky kiddo to have them carrying me through. ❤️

Anyway, I want to wish you all the happiest of New Years. 2019 is gonna be a blast, I can feel it! I hope next year’s adventures are just as plentiful and that all the memories are just as sparkly. I hope you all continue to discover who you are, what you really value and what you are made of. I hope you all smile more in 2019. I hope you laugh far more than you cry and I hope that you all spend your year trying to be kind to everyone you meet.

Don’t look down on people, don’t judge them and don’t put them down. Worry about yourself and your own issues instead. Be selfish but lean on those around you. Be strong and be brave.

Lastly, don’t beat yourself up inside if you slip-up along the way. We all make mistakes. It’s how we move on from them and learn that counts. Just don’t make the same mistake twice.

I’ll try do the same.

All the love and best wishes. Don’t forget to smile always.

Kimbo. X 💛🌼💐🐥🍄❤️

 

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Dearest all of my beautiful pals❤️

Dearest all of my beautiful pals, this is a letter to you. Whether we’re close and chat all the time, just a little or, we simply smile at each other when passing on campus. I’m about to explain to you all exactly what you mean to me- and to each other. Because we all value, in one way or another the people who make an impact on us. The people who make us smile.

I value the people in my life an awful lot. I seem to spend quite a lot of time totally taken back by the lengths people will, and do go for me on a regular basis. I try to acknowledge and be grateful for kindness all the time. Even for all the small tiny stuff.

And, by writing this letter and trying to explain to you all how much your kindness means to me and those around you, I also hope to inspire you to focus on being just a little kinder tomorrow. To go out of your way to do just one nice thing for someone, no matter how small. Because the smallest things make the biggest difference.

Life is tough! To all my closest pals; the ones who might as well be family. The ones who I complain to about how tired I am ALL of the time. The ones who I ring in floods of tears after getting on a train going in the opposite direction alone at night. The ones that even though they are several pints in..understand exactly how scared I am and calm me down, and send me the right travel information and snapchat me funny videos until I am home. Safe and sound and breathing again.                                                                                          The ones who encourage and incentivise me to face all of my fears and then hold my hand along the way. The ones that encourage me to laugh at every opportunity. The ones that not only share the same thought processes, but the same cycle as me. 😂                 The ones who slag me non-stop, but at the end of the day would do anything for me. The ones who wrap their arms around me and suddenly, I am safe.                                                                                                                                                     The ones who have believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. The ones who have taught me what I deserve and who I am. The ones who have seen me vom and cry and conquer; at my very worst and very best. The ones I drink cans with and chat and joke with all night. The ones that just really understand and know me.  The ones who make me smile everyday. The ones who support me endlessly with everything. The ones who have saved me, provided endless encouragement and support, made me who I am today and, the ones who have made me happy. 💛🌼

To all the people I have had coffee with. There are so many of you and I have never had a  bad coffee date in Maynooth! Coffee Dates have been the framework of my college experience so to say I have enjoyed every single one is impressive. Good chats always come with coffee. Thank you all and I hope you all continue to do coffee dates regularly. ☕️

To all the people who love me and are interested in me and my life and my stories. To all the people that believe in my ideas. To all the people that read my blogs. To the people that put aside time regularly, to see me. Thank you. ❤️

To all the people who have ever gone out of their way to help me at some time or another, thank you. I get muddled up and tied in knots on a regular basis and metaphorically speaking, if you all weren’t there catching me every time I tripped up I’d have broken every bone in my body by now.

To the people who understand and accept the fact that I need to stop and widdle every time I go anywhere. 💧

To the people who have laughed with me/ at me when laughing at my own jokes. 🐥

To the people I know from around and have maybe chatted to once or twice, thank you. You people keep life so interesting and inspiring. Stories that make me laugh while bonding over a pint(s). Or chats in the hallways or on the streets. In meeting rooms, waiting for public transport or in coincidental groups. Chatting is my favourite thing to do! 💕😂

To all my old friends and to all my new friends.

To anyone who has ever hugged me or waved at me. To the people who pass me on the street and smile. You make my day. I always notice and appreciate when people smile at me as I walk by. It’s such a simple thing, but it has such a big, warm impact. It slows the world down a little when it feels like its spinning. 🌍 A big friendly smile always makes me smile. It’s infectious and for all you know it could be the first time that person has smiled all day. SMILE AT THOSE AROUND YOU ALL THE TIME.

‼️Tell the people in your life how much you love and appreciate them always. ‼️

To the people who have trusted me, thank you. To the people who have actively played a part in helping me succeed and follow my dreams, thank you. To the people who have advised me. To the people who have provided me with opportunities.

Life is so tough! But, life can be so much easier when we show love and patience to those we meet. You literally never know when someone’s having a difficult day and the smallest act of kindness shown to them can turn it all around, or make it all a little more bearable. Give compliments, give hugs, smile often, be positive and try to believe in the power of positivity and kindness. Don’t put each other down, build each other up! Life is easier when we lean on each other. When we talk and listen to those around us. Really listen. Aim to make the lives of people around you brighter. Be honest. Be selfish sometimes. Look after yourselves too, but we’re all in this together and don’t forget that.

Thank you all for touching me in one way or another. I am honoured to be surrounded daily by thousands of amazing, different and inspiring individuals.

Thank you all for everything. I have no doubt that there are others saying the same thing too. It’s not just me you’ve touched. You have all touched so many other people’s lives in one way or another too. Don’t forget how important you are to the people around you. Even in the smallest ways. That’s really important.

Be well, pals. This time of year is hard. We’re all tired and we are all snuffly. ☔️ Christmas can be a difficult time of year too. Look after yourself first but also be kind to those around you. ❤️ Reach out if you’re struggling.

All my love and Smile Always,

Kimbo. X 🍄💫🐥🌻