I am home.🌍🐥💛

So, I went through a really bad patch there for a little while. I was quite ill due to my Anxiety. I lost a total of an awful lot of weight which I couldn’t really afford to lose and in all honesty, I was/ am a bit gutted about it. It’s the first time possibly ever that I haven’t thrived off the feeling of losing weight. Actually, I felt a bit ashamed at how much weight I’d lost. Interestingly enough though, I’ve recieved so many comments/ compliments from so many people who didn’t realise what’s been going on about how beautiful my figure is and how jealous they are of my body. I’ve felt like screaming at them and explaining that I was almost starving myself. Not purposely, but that I just could not eat and anything I ate, I threw up. I was getting sick multiple times every day and was coming home from work to my dad in tears because I was so tired and felt so miserable.

‼️This is a message to you, no matter who you are, please don’t get bogged down in comparing yourself to others because you never know what’s going on behind closed doors!‼️

One of the days a few weeks ago I went to Alisha’s house after work and had to stop and sit down in South Campus for about 20 minutes before I could continue on my short walk to her house because I felt so faint. After finally making it to her house I was a state. I could barely string a sentence together because I hadn’t eaten all day and only for her being the best person in the world and looking after me so well I’m not sure what I would have done. I’m not exaggerating when I try to explain to you how much I was struggling to keep going.

I’m so lucky like that, and I know I write this in every blog post but I genuinely have the best friends in the world. 💛 Over the last few months they have looked after me and loved and prioritised me while I wasn’t really able to look after, love or prioritise myself. They always have and always will keep me going. My friends mean everything to me! ❤️

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Last week I had an absolute melt down. There was a lot of really crazy stuff happening in work and my mind exploded. I over-thought myself into a state of absolute, irrational panic. Only for Cathal and my closest pals at the other end of the phone or I think I would have completely given into my mind and taken the week off work. I don’t cope at all when I feel my safety is under threat. Cathal made me a promise that no one would ever hurt me again; a promise that I knew he couldn’t really make. But a sentence that I needed to hear and believe more than anything. And I did believe him. Not because of the words, but because I am absolutely sure that with my pals by my side that nothing and no one can hurt me the way I’ve been hurt in the past.

No matter where I am or what I’m doing I know that I’ll never really be on my own again because I know that my friends will always answer, no matter how often I call. I’m pretty sure Cathal called into me every day last week to check I was still breathing and it’s for reasons like this that I believed him when he said it wouldn’t happen again. It’s because I have faith beyond belief that my friends will look after me and keep me safe. And prioritise and love me when I’m not capable of looking after or loving myself.

I am beginning to feel a lot better. All in baby steps. 🐥 I still haven’t put on any weight but I’ve stopped being sick which is a huge relief! Katie made a comment about how she hasn’t heard me complaining of feeling sick in ages and said she’d noticed how I’ve started coming back into her office to steal sweets again. I can’t begin to explain to you how good it felt to hear that. To hear people have noticed me looking and sounding healthier again. I’ll keep working on the weight thing but at least my appetite is slowly returning!

For International Women’s Day I saw a really wonderful post; someone’s selfie. The caption went along the lines of how important it is to value and love yourself first, along with valuing all the other amazing women in your life.

The post really made an impact on me. It talked about not comparing yourself to others (which is much easier said than done) and just learning to be kind to yourself. I thought it was brave of this person to post a selfie talking about how much they loved themselves which, after some thought made me sad. It shouldn’t take bravery to openly love and appreciate yourself!

One tip my old school counsellor gave me years ago was to stop internally criticizing and putting the people around me down. That judging others was only heightening my judgement of myself.

I’ve never really felt confident and happy with myself; something I’m definitely getting better with. But this whole Anxiety relapse has completely knocked me. I feel really fragile, physically and mentally. I quite desperately want to put on weight or at the least, stop losing it which currently is seeming a little impossible. I’ve been trying to focus on the progress that I’ve made but that’s also hard when every time I go back to the doctor I hear I’m down more weight, despite feeling like I’ve been improving in leaps and bounds.

I will get there though! I  know I will.💪🏼

Loving myself from head to toe is my absolute goal and one day soon, I will realise this goal, no matter what it takes.

 

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I have decided not to rerun for VP Welfare and Equality. Not a decision I made lightly! It’s absolutely bonkers that this time last year I was over half way through the campaign and had no idea what was ahead of me; but was full to the brim with excitement and enthusiasm. I can honestly say that I am happy with the job that I’ve done. I think that I’ve done myself, my family, my friends and my dog proud. ❤️

12 months on and I am an entirely different person! I have learned that it’s okay and sometimes important to stand up for myself- a completely new concept to me; but also that sometimes you just have to let things go. I have learned so much about people and how to read them. I have learned to absolutely prioritize my own health, an invaluable lesson. I have learned my limits and also exactly what I am capable of. I have learned to believe in myself and I have learned to some extent my worth. I have discovered how much further I can go when I take the leap and trust in 5 seconds of Bravery, and I have learned to have faith in myself and my abilities. I have made some of the best friendships and have spent the entire year so far laughing. I also don’t think I panic about the small stuff half as much as I used to! I have discovered that in the end everything gets done and works out. In all honesty I never really thought that I’d make it to the end of this year but with the end of the year rapidly approaching I will be devastated when it’s time to leave. I have formed a whole new family in MSU; but after a considerable amount of debating I have decided that it’s time for a new adventure!

I am now, despite the anxiety blip and weight loss, much more confident and more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been. When I came to Maynooth first it was this big scary world and I felt completely out of my depth. Now, Maynooth is my home and I have since made it my mission to explore the place inside and out. Maynooth is and forever will be a home I have worked to make my safe space, but now it doesn’t feel in any way big or scary; which is why I know it’s time to move on. I grow and find happiness through overcoming challenges and that’s why I know, as scary as change is, that it’s time for some new fun!

I am going to make the very best of my last few months and take every opportunity that presents itself to me and walk away with a broken heart and nothing but the most incredible memories.

Onwards and Upwards!

I love you all.

Smile Always,

Kimbo. X 👣🐞🌼🐥🍄🌸💛

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